The 10 Worst Christian Products of All-Time
A Collaborative Effort by Shane Pruitt & Cooper Taylor
Oh the wonderful world of “Christian” products. This is a follow-up of sorts to our previous work, affectionately titled, The 10 Worst Christian T-shirts of All-time.
Let me say up front, as always, we’re not making fun of Jesus, the Bible, the Gospel, the Church, etc. Those are the most important things in our life. However, we should be able to laugh at our ridiculousness for filling our closets and garage sales with this stuff (I personally (Shane) have indeed chomped on some Testamints before), and to be able to say to an unbelieving world, “Yes, even we are embarrassed by some of this stuff!”
Feel free to comment and add to the list; frankly, the hardest part of this countdown was narrowing it down to only ten products.
We sincerely apologize up front for our commentary underneath the products. No Christian product designers were harmed in the making of this list.
Now, without further ado, enjoy:
10. Ichthus Boxer Shorts
This takes the idea of “keeping Jesus close to me” to a whole new level. At least this very important early church symbol isn’t on the back of these boxers.
9. Pig Nativity
Nothing says “Silent Night” like a host of squeals from Judaism’s most unclean animal. It’s blaspheming fun for the whole family! Assuming your family is the kind that likes dodging thunderbolts and plagues. Speaking of which…
8. Ten Plagues Finger Puppets
Some of the really difficult parts of Scripture, you know the blood and gore parts, are tough to capture in light-hearted plush-toy form. Or are they? Now your child can enjoy learning about the death of all first-born males in Egypt as told by your pinky finger.
Testamints: Because Tic-Tacs are for pagans.
6. Jesus Toaster
Do you prefer your toast white, wheat, or Christened?
5. Jesus Is My Coach Statue
Mr. Miyagi, who? Nothing like taking karate lessons from the inventor of the famous “Turn the Other Cheek” move. I can’t see any way this could possibly go wrong.
4. Cross Pops
Nothing like flavored sugar in the shape of a Roman torture device. The resulting sugar rush alone will make you consider buying the real thing for those around you.
3. Looking Good For Jesus Cosmetic Kit
Jesus clearly wants you to have a clean heart and shiny gloss on your lips. The package says, “Get His Attention.” We say, “Not like that!”
2. Let My People Go Toilet Seat Cover
From Moses’ mouth to your toilet seat, this matzah print seat cover is a real blessing. After all, who needs a laxative, when you can get a little pep talk from Moses?
1. Answer Me Jesus
Never again will you have to wonder WWJD? He’ll tell you in one of 8 short phrases exactly what He WD.
Dishonorable Mention: The Bibleman the Video Game
I don’t know what the blackmail was that someone had on some low-rent video game company CEO, but they used it to create this terrifying monstrosity. Now you too can fulfill your dreams of kicking butt for the Lord from the comfort of your own home desktop computer. Just install Windows 98 and let Biblical justice roll down like a mighty pixelated stream.